I am a chicken. I have piles of half written stories and novels, but I have never been able to finish one. I am pretty sure it is because I am a little scared to find out I might not actually be a good writer. I don’t show people my stories because I am always fine-tuning my writing, and therefore it is never ready to show. Well that’s it! In my own personal multi-step program I am forcing myself to get out there and write. This blog is the first step, and now today I am sharing a short story I have written as well. Thanks for reading!
Yours and Mines
“Your fetus is not viable.”
The physician continued on, “We should schedule a D & C as soon as possible…”
Rachel did not understand. The only thing she expected to hear was a fluttering heartbeat, not those incomprehensible words. She needed a point of reference for the phrase, ‘not viable.’ Rachel thought back to a research job she had in college. For just a moment she was back in the lab studying berry seeds, recording whether they were ‘viable’ or ‘not viable.’ In that moment she remembered ‘not viable’ meant the seeds were unable to grow.
Unable to grow.
“Oh my God,” were the words that ran through her head, but no words could escape her mouth. She looked at her husband James, and then at the ultrasound monitor. She began to shake, and then simply wept. James wrapped his arms around her, his eyes moist from both sadness and the knowledge that this was one time he could not protect her.
A half an hour later, Rachel was dressed, back in the exam room. Quietly, James and the nurse scheduled the “procedure” to complete the miscarriage. There were forms to sign and pre- and post-procedure instructions to review. There were some pamphlets and telephone numbers for grief counseling. Rachel, unable to cope, sat curled in a chair.
When the nurse was completed with her paperwork, she turned to Rachel and asked if should like to keep the ultrasound picture.
“I don’t know.” Rachel whispered. James reached for it, “Sure, we’ll keep it. Thank you.”
Rachel and James had both driven separately to the appointment with plans to return to work afterward. Instead of showing off her baby’s first picture to her co-workers, she drove home alone with her baby’s last picture sitting on the passenger seat.
She tried her hardest to concentrate on the ride home, grasping at any thought to keep her mind off of the horror that she just experienced. She turned on the radio.
Since you’ve been gone, all I’ve been is blue
I wish I would have said how much I love you
You left me all alone, before we got to know
The funny little ways that our love would grow
The song was unfamiliar but spoke to her. As she listened, she couldn’t shake the incredible feeling that this song was sent to her by the child she had just lost.
It’s as if I did not know you, never spoke your name
I miss you so completely; life will never be the same
Grief overtook Rachel. She pulled the car over on a side street and wept for the loss of her child. She tried to comprehend why it happened.
Where did you go, the dreams seem so real.
When did you leave, how did it feel?
The weeks passed and Rachel often heard the song on the radio, and if the radio was not on, the song simply played in her head. Though the song was said to be about young love, Rachel thought only of the child she would never know.
Sometimes I still feel you here, breathing next to me
Why do we always miss the love not meant to be?
By midsummer, the radio stations stopped playing the song so frequently, and time was beginning to heal Rachel’s emotional wounds. By late autumn, she would have been lucky to catch the song on the radio. Rachel’s head began playing other songs as she made it beyond the lost baby’s due date.
Three years later, the sun was warm, the air was fresh. It was spring again. Rachel took a deep breath and smiled as she closed the back door of her SUV. She hopped in the front and put on her sunglasses. She turned the key and as the engine started, she once again heard the song.
Since you’ve been gone, all I’ve been is blue
I wish I would have said how much I love you…
Rachel breathed deeply, almost a sigh, and for a moment her heart felt heavy. “Gosh, I haven’t heard this in a couple of years,” she thought. As she put the car in reverse a tiny voice came from the back of the car.
“That’s yours and mines song Mommy.”
Startled, Rachel said, “What did you say sweetie?”
“That’s yours and mines song.”
For a moment Rachel did not respond, and then tears welled in her eyes as she looked in the rear view mirror. “Yes sweetie, I guess it is. It really is. Let’s go home and see daddy.”
I know someday I’ll find you, that our paths will cross
Then we’ll love each other once again, with never an anguished loss.